I Can’t Act – Part 1

Last week I went to a casting for a TV advert. Unlike Bill Hicks I love the idea of doing an ad. They pay well and I don’t have any real moral objection to getting paid well. The whole idea of artistic integrity precluding comedians from doing adverts is laughable when we do gigs in RSL clubs where the only concession that is made to the comedy night is to turn the volume down, not off, on the rugby league match on the TV at the back of the room. At least when you spend a week filming an advert the focus of the day is on the advert. It would be nice to be paid to be more than just a distraction.

I got a phone call the week before from an agent asking me if I wanted to go for the ad. I said yes even though I knew nothing about the part. The time for the casting was set and confirmed and then I was sent a script and brief for what they were looking for. (Spoiler alert: they are never looking for me.)

The first thing I found out, yet after I had agreed to go to the casting, was that the role required a British accent. When I lived in the UK I would be sent to the occasional casting for a Fosters ad where I would be told in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t ‘Australian’ enough for the role. It’s borderline hurtful to be told by a 50 year old man in skinny jeans that you can’t do the accent from the country of your birth. Couple that with the numerous times that Australian audience members have been convinced that I was British and I thought I might be okay with the accent this time. Nope, I sucked. I was told that I sounded American. It seems that whatever accent you tell me to do I will unintentionally do something else. If someone told me to do an American accent I would probably end up doing the most convincing Nigerian accent going. I suck at accents!

As bad as my accent may have been, and it truly sucked, I don’t think it was the reason I am still to hear back from them. The problem was with the brief. I just didn’t fit. I never fit these things because they always ask for the same thing. They wanted someone who was ‘wacky and quirky’. They even specifically said that they were looking for a Noel Fielding type character. Well if you want a Noel Fielding type character, why don’t you just pay the money and hire Noel Fielding. I hear Noel Fielding does a pretty convincing Noel Fielding. I can also tell you that I have never and will never make a convincing Noel Fielding type character. I am not wacky nor am I quirky.

I gave it my best. I tried to pretend that the script didn’t blow goats, I tried to be enthusiastic and warky. See what I did there? I have creatively amalgamated the words ‘wacky’ and ‘quirky’ into a new word ‘warky’ because it’s the off the wall wankiness that Noel Fielding would do. Yet still I sucked. I was wooden and awful but on the positive side, had I been what they were looking for I would have to hate myself. The money would be nice though, if only I could figure out how to act. I haven’t lost all hope that they’ll call me back even though the filming is scheduled to start tomorrow, although I’m willing to concede that it’s highly unlikely.

So why is this Part 1? Because I have a feeling my inability to act will be confirmed on Wednesday night. After my tree like wooden performance I thought it might be interesting if I tried to learn how to act. So on Wednesday night I’m going for a 2 hour workshop on acting. It’s at an acting school and it’s free. The whole point of it is obviously to try to sell me on doing more acting courses but I figure I might get something out of it. I’ll either develop a love for the art of acting and decide to pursue it further or I’ll get 5 minutes of material about how wanky everyone there was… either way it’s a victory. I’ll let you know how it goes.