Quiet Coach

So I am on the train again. I am, I think, quite an experienced train traveler. Most of all, I know what I want in a train journey - silence. Silence is by far the most enjoyable sound on a train. As such I take certain steps to encourage those around me to be silent, or as close to silent as one can expect without restricting their breathing. On this particular journey I booked a seat in the quiet coach, often the quiet coach is full of like minded people who expect silence. If this is not the case I have to take steps. I do everything that I can to avoid shouting SHUT UP!!!

Step one - display text books. This is often enough to initiate a short conversation about what I have the books for but this gives me the opportunity to explain that I want silence so I can get some work done. As much as I hate the awkward and stilted chitchat if it enables me to get some work done that is a win. Some people don't even require the conversation, they see the books and make the assumption that I want to do some work that's when general courtesy and common decency takes over and they SHUT THE FUCK UP.

If displaying the books doesn't work I have to rely on step two - a surly stare. Never underestimate the effectiveness of guilt. Guilt has been a powerful tool for getting shit done for a long time now. The catholic church for instance has fleeced billions over the years by guilting people into handing money over. Guilt created a country in the middle east and made me admit to stealing a bag of sweets when I was 8 years old... SHUT UP!

Given how effective guilt has been over the years it makes me wonder why guilt hasn't worked today. I am sitting here, I've got the text books in front of me and I'm staring like a surly superhero but I am still surrounded by a wall of sound. Why? The answer is simple - I'm surrounded by four old women from Kent. Selfishness is kryptonite to guilt and there isn't a more selfish force known like a retired woman from the home counties. SHUT UP!!

It's a complete lack of consideration for anyone around them that explains the behavior of these women. They actually had a conversation about how they were sitting in a quiet coach and how they were clearly going to annoy those around them... and then continued to natter. SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!!!

I will acknowledge that writing this blog and hoping that the woman next to me will read it may be the most passive aggressive thing I have done this year. I figure if I keep on writing SHUT UP in capital letters throughout this, she'll read it and get the message to SHUT THE FUCK UP... so far this hasn't worked. It's just not going to work. I'm going to have to say something, but how do you tell 4 women that the slack-jaw drivel coming out of their mouths conjures up phrases in my mind like 'justifiable homicide'.

...

Done. And by done I mean, I completely chickened out and since they definitely wont SHUT THE FUCK UP I'm going to watch a film on my iPad. What's the point?