I have decided that writing a sitcom is harder than it looks. We've all sat on our sofa and thought that the sitcom we were watching was rubbish. Maybe you've even said those famous words, "I could write something better than this". I've always wondered just how tough it would be to write one myself. So I did and I'm starting to realise that it's not as easy as I originally thought.
I started writing this sitcom long enough ago that I can't actually remember when I started writing it. It's not like I've been writing it non-stop but I've been giving it enough of an effort to be further along than I am. I'm kind of sick of writing it now, I never thought it would take this long. And I'm only writing the first episode!! It's not like I'm writing the whole series, it's just the first episode.
Maybe this is why so many sitcoms on TV suck. Who knew? Just because it's hard is not a valid reason for a TV station putting shitty sitcoms on but it does explain it a little. There are a lot of jobs that are hard but a surgeon is never excused for sucking at their job because it's hard (I was really close to putting a joke here about a porn star sucking at their job because it's hard, but that would have been crass). I'm not giving up just because it's hard, my sitcom is going to be awesome... eventually.
'Eventually' is a fabulous word to use because it doesn't actually lock you in to a specific deadline. And I'm unlikely to meet any deadline I set so I can confirm that I'll get it done 'eventually'. I'm still doing standup and I'm also rewriting a play for next year's Adelaide Fringe Festival and Sydney Comedy Festival. So I've got other stuff to do but I'll get it done, promise.
I've written the outline and the characterisation is pretty much locked in. Oh, and I've already written the damn thing with 3 subsequent rewrites. But after showing it to my agent I now have a heap more work to do on it. I didn't show it to her until I was happy with it, why couldn't she say it was perfect? I was expecting to get a little feedback with a little tweak here and there but she came back with a lot of changes. What really annoys me is that they're all really really good suggestions. They're either things that I hadn't thought about or things that I just didn't care about. But what I really wanted to hear was, "this is brilliant, let's sell this to a production company and make you some money".
The evolution of this sitcom has at least been encouraging. If I'm being honest the first version sucked ass. When I started writing it I had an rough outline and kind of made it up as I went along. I didn't have any idea of what I was doing and didn't even write out the character descriptions until after the first episode was written (even though I've never done this before I know that's back to front). The only thing that I carried over from the first draft to the second draft was the names of the characters, and one of those names has changed anyway. You have no idea how odd it is to have a conversation about why one name is funnier than another or why that character just doesn't sound like a Simon.
The second draft at least had a decent structure but it was still a long way away. The third draft was better but wasn't nearly funny enough. It's awkward for a comedian to look at what they've written and to realise that it's not funny. And before you say anything, I realise that this blog isn't very funny, sorry. But it's not as if this is the first thing I've written that wasn't funny enough. I have a box somewhere with roughly 40 notebooks of some of the most unfunny ideas and rough scribblings ever stored in the one place.
The 4th draft was all about putting jokes into it. I think it's got the jokes in now but now my agent has identified all of the flaws that need to be corrected. So not it's back to work. I have to change some of the character motivations and highlight a few things that I thought were obvious... apparently not obvious enough. But I'm really enjoying it. I know I seem to be complaining about it but I complain about everything so this shouldn't come as too much of a surprise.
I tend to enjoy being creative. I don't think it really matters what form it takes. For example I recently directed my friends Sydney Fringe Festival show and I had a great time doing it. The show turned out great but even though I wasn't writing it I just enjoyed being part of the creative process.
Maybe I should become a director full time. It's way easier to tell someone how to say a line and when to walk across a stage than it is to start with a blank piece of paper and write 15 drafts to get the dialogue just right. So if you've got a show already written and need a director you should give me a call. It'll be a good distraction for me. Although I've got to have the next draft of my sitcom written 'eventually'.
Saturday, 24 September 2011
Friday, 9 September 2011
Guiding My Blog
Hello from sunny Scotland. I'm in Edinburgh this weekend doing some gigs and I'm kind of enjoying them. It's nice being back in the UK. UK audiences are very different to the Australian audiences. Neither audience is necessarily better than the other but they react differently to certain jokes which means that you have to be aware of it and, to a certain extent, taylor your set to suit where you are. I don't dramatically change what I do but I tinker around the edges a little.
But being in the UK and the gigs I'm doing aren't what I want to talk about in this blog. This blog is about 2 specific things that have happened to me in the last couple of days. Firstly there was the woman in the Girl Guides Shop who refused to sell me any Girl Guides Badges and secondly there was the radio interview that I did to promote this weekend of gigs.
I should probably address the Girl Guide story first as I've just realised that my previous description may have raised more questions than it answered. Today I was walking along the streets of Edinburgh by myself and I happened to walk past the Girl Guide Shop. I had a genius idea - why not pop into the shop and by my wife a Girl Guide Badge, I was thinking maybe a home-maker or cooking badge, wouldn't that be a funny and cute gift.
So I went inside and asked the woman behind the counter if they sold the badges there. She said they did and I said that I wanted to buy my wife one of the previously mentioned badges because she had them when she was a kid and it'd be a funny and cute gift. The woman did not think it would be a funny and cute gift. She was very aggressive to me, remember that I'm in Scotland so she had a level of unjustified aggression that you simply don't see in the civilised world, and she informed me that these badges were 'earned badges' and they couldn't simply be bought by someone looking for a funny and cute gift.
I said that my wife had earned them roughly 25 years ago (it has been suggested that I should have said 15 years ago but I refuse to let my wife's threats interfere with my journalistic integrity) and so technically I could buy them. She again told me that I couldn't buy them and I don't think I helped matters when I replied, "yes I can buy them, they're right there behind the counter, on sale for £1.70 each."
This wasn't going to be a long interaction as I have never had an argument with a Scottish woman that ended well so I didn't think it was worth the effort. But wow!! Imagine if this woman worked in one of those army memorabilia stores. You walk in and ask how much it is to buy the Victoria Cross in the display cabinet, what would she say then? She'd make you explain why you deserved it... if you asked to buy the Purple Heart Medal she'd probably sell it to you but then shoot you just to make sure you deserved it.
The other thing that happened this week was me doing a radio interview to promote the run of gigs I'm doing this weekend. I've done loads of these over the years and they're pretty straight forward. They want you to say something funny so you try to slip in the one clean joke you have but since it's over the phone the timing is always rubbish and they tend to talk over the punchline. But like anything, the more you do them the better you get at them. So whenever I'm asked to do one I always say yes because I figure it'll be helpful to be good at it when I become famous (at my current career trajectory I optimistically expect that to happen around the year 2187).
So I got the phone call from the radio presenter (I prefer to say 'radio presenter' because I've never felt comfortable calling them a DJ) he tells me that he's been reading my blog and that he'd like to ask me some questions about it, then at the end we'll plug the gigs. Easy! This is the first radio interview I've done where the presenter has read my blog so I was excited because I thought it would mean I wouldn't get all of the usual questions about comedy, maybe we'd be able to talk about something a little more interesting. Nope. Same questions, but with a slight twist.
He kept on quoting bits of my blogs back to me but phrased as questions and then asking me, "is that a fair thing to say?" Of course it's a fair thing to say, I FUCKING WROTE IT!! What radio presenters need to remember is that I'm using 90% of my concentration just trying to not swear. You being a dick and quoting me back to me in a way that makes it sound like you're taking the credit for having an insight into comedy is just going to annoy me, which will make the 'not swearing' part even harder. At least he remembered to plug the gigs at the end. I've done interviews in the past where they forget the most important part, but he plugged them so hopefully the gigs will be busy.
After the weekend of gigs I've got some time off. I'm going to see some friends and drink some booze. Then I'm flying back to Australia, with my wife. Hopefully she'll be over the little joke about how long ago she earned those Girl Guide Badges by then or the long flight will feel even longer. I'll let you know if something interesting happens.
But being in the UK and the gigs I'm doing aren't what I want to talk about in this blog. This blog is about 2 specific things that have happened to me in the last couple of days. Firstly there was the woman in the Girl Guides Shop who refused to sell me any Girl Guides Badges and secondly there was the radio interview that I did to promote this weekend of gigs.
I should probably address the Girl Guide story first as I've just realised that my previous description may have raised more questions than it answered. Today I was walking along the streets of Edinburgh by myself and I happened to walk past the Girl Guide Shop. I had a genius idea - why not pop into the shop and by my wife a Girl Guide Badge, I was thinking maybe a home-maker or cooking badge, wouldn't that be a funny and cute gift.
So I went inside and asked the woman behind the counter if they sold the badges there. She said they did and I said that I wanted to buy my wife one of the previously mentioned badges because she had them when she was a kid and it'd be a funny and cute gift. The woman did not think it would be a funny and cute gift. She was very aggressive to me, remember that I'm in Scotland so she had a level of unjustified aggression that you simply don't see in the civilised world, and she informed me that these badges were 'earned badges' and they couldn't simply be bought by someone looking for a funny and cute gift.
I said that my wife had earned them roughly 25 years ago (it has been suggested that I should have said 15 years ago but I refuse to let my wife's threats interfere with my journalistic integrity) and so technically I could buy them. She again told me that I couldn't buy them and I don't think I helped matters when I replied, "yes I can buy them, they're right there behind the counter, on sale for £1.70 each."
This wasn't going to be a long interaction as I have never had an argument with a Scottish woman that ended well so I didn't think it was worth the effort. But wow!! Imagine if this woman worked in one of those army memorabilia stores. You walk in and ask how much it is to buy the Victoria Cross in the display cabinet, what would she say then? She'd make you explain why you deserved it... if you asked to buy the Purple Heart Medal she'd probably sell it to you but then shoot you just to make sure you deserved it.
The other thing that happened this week was me doing a radio interview to promote the run of gigs I'm doing this weekend. I've done loads of these over the years and they're pretty straight forward. They want you to say something funny so you try to slip in the one clean joke you have but since it's over the phone the timing is always rubbish and they tend to talk over the punchline. But like anything, the more you do them the better you get at them. So whenever I'm asked to do one I always say yes because I figure it'll be helpful to be good at it when I become famous (at my current career trajectory I optimistically expect that to happen around the year 2187).
So I got the phone call from the radio presenter (I prefer to say 'radio presenter' because I've never felt comfortable calling them a DJ) he tells me that he's been reading my blog and that he'd like to ask me some questions about it, then at the end we'll plug the gigs. Easy! This is the first radio interview I've done where the presenter has read my blog so I was excited because I thought it would mean I wouldn't get all of the usual questions about comedy, maybe we'd be able to talk about something a little more interesting. Nope. Same questions, but with a slight twist.
He kept on quoting bits of my blogs back to me but phrased as questions and then asking me, "is that a fair thing to say?" Of course it's a fair thing to say, I FUCKING WROTE IT!! What radio presenters need to remember is that I'm using 90% of my concentration just trying to not swear. You being a dick and quoting me back to me in a way that makes it sound like you're taking the credit for having an insight into comedy is just going to annoy me, which will make the 'not swearing' part even harder. At least he remembered to plug the gigs at the end. I've done interviews in the past where they forget the most important part, but he plugged them so hopefully the gigs will be busy.
After the weekend of gigs I've got some time off. I'm going to see some friends and drink some booze. Then I'm flying back to Australia, with my wife. Hopefully she'll be over the little joke about how long ago she earned those Girl Guide Badges by then or the long flight will feel even longer. I'll let you know if something interesting happens.
Thursday, 1 September 2011
Sacrifice One
In life we make choices. Sometimes we pose questions just to see what our answers would be. A test, if you will, to identify just where our moral boundaries lie. We have all played the game. Questions such as, "if you had the chance to kill Hitler as a child, knowing what he would become, would you kill him?" The simple premise of the question being, would you sacrifice one to save many?
I've been asked that question several times, granted, normally after a lot of alcohol, but I've never felt comfortable with the question. It's not the concept of sacrificing one that I disagree with. I have always thought, that if you had the knowledge that far in advance of what Hitler would become why not just take steps to change his morally reprehensible thinking. Give the guy the cuddle he so obviously needed and teach him the beauty of humanity. He was clearly a charismatic and powerful leader, so if we could have changed his doctrine he may have become a unifying force instead of a destructive one.
But that's my solution to that particular moral quandary. Why am I thinking of these questions? Quite simply, because I've currently got a lot of time on my hands. I'm sitting on a plane from Sydney to London. It is, if you pardon my bluntness, a shit of a journey. It takes roughly 24 hours and it seems that you somehow arrive in London the day before you departed Sydney. I'm sleep deprived right now so if you were to tell me it's got something to do with the bending of the space time continuum, I would probably just nod and agree.
Ever since the introduction of on-demand movies this journey has become marginally more bearable, but only marginally. I've watched back-to-back movies for the past 13 hours and yet I still find myself to be a little angry. That may be due to the fact that I watched The Green Hornet, and several other films that have Seth Rogen in them, but that isn't the entire reason. If I'm being honest, I've been a little angry ever since I got on the plane. I should also include a disclaimer that I have had a few of those handy mini bottles of wine - although I think I'll probably agree with my suggestion sober as well.
The problem of air travel is that you board a plane and have to walk through first class and then business class before you get to the shitty, uncomfortable-as-fuck economy class. As I boarded this flight there were three 10-14 year old brats sitting there playing their handheld games and complaining about wanting to put their bed out now, even though they've been told they can't do that until the plane has taken off. As these little 5 foot tall dickheads are moaning, their dickhead parents are drinking champagne and watching my 6 foot 4 inch frown as I walk through to my economy seat designed to be 'just big enough' for a garden gnome.
So my proposal is that each flight should have a lottery for the economy-class passengers. A 'Golden Boarding Pass' if you will. Just one per flight, one winner per flight should be enough for the general mood of the economy ticket holders to be raised exponentially. But how will, what is essentially, a raffle help on a 24 hour journey? You haven't heard the prize yet... and no, it's not a free upgrade.
The winner of the Golden Boarding Pass is notified when they check in. I haven't worked out how this would work with online check-in but I'll figure it out. They're notified at check-in that they've won, that should give them enough time to prepare themselves for their prize. And when they board, the Golden Boarding Pass holder is entitled to punch someone in first class in their smug little face. Just one punch, I'm not malicious.
Then, and this is the real genius of the plan, footage of the punch is available on demand throughout the flight via the in-flight entertainment system. That way, when ever someone in economy is feeling a little angry, they can turn on their 2 by 2 inch screen and watch someone they want to punch in the face getting punched in the face.
It's a perfect example of how sacrificing one could benefit the many. I am aware that in this blog I have let a young Hitler live and punched a relatively innocent and potentially lovely person in the face. That's what happens when you've been sitting in economy for this long. I'm not a bad person, I'm sometimes irrational, but I'm not bad. I just want some sleep and to be able to extend my knees. Oh, and I really really want to punch the guy who sneered at me when I walked through first class. He was about 40, wearing tan chinos and a navy polo shirt. So if you've got the Golden Boarding Pass, punch him.
I've been asked that question several times, granted, normally after a lot of alcohol, but I've never felt comfortable with the question. It's not the concept of sacrificing one that I disagree with. I have always thought, that if you had the knowledge that far in advance of what Hitler would become why not just take steps to change his morally reprehensible thinking. Give the guy the cuddle he so obviously needed and teach him the beauty of humanity. He was clearly a charismatic and powerful leader, so if we could have changed his doctrine he may have become a unifying force instead of a destructive one.
But that's my solution to that particular moral quandary. Why am I thinking of these questions? Quite simply, because I've currently got a lot of time on my hands. I'm sitting on a plane from Sydney to London. It is, if you pardon my bluntness, a shit of a journey. It takes roughly 24 hours and it seems that you somehow arrive in London the day before you departed Sydney. I'm sleep deprived right now so if you were to tell me it's got something to do with the bending of the space time continuum, I would probably just nod and agree.
Ever since the introduction of on-demand movies this journey has become marginally more bearable, but only marginally. I've watched back-to-back movies for the past 13 hours and yet I still find myself to be a little angry. That may be due to the fact that I watched The Green Hornet, and several other films that have Seth Rogen in them, but that isn't the entire reason. If I'm being honest, I've been a little angry ever since I got on the plane. I should also include a disclaimer that I have had a few of those handy mini bottles of wine - although I think I'll probably agree with my suggestion sober as well.
The problem of air travel is that you board a plane and have to walk through first class and then business class before you get to the shitty, uncomfortable-as-fuck economy class. As I boarded this flight there were three 10-14 year old brats sitting there playing their handheld games and complaining about wanting to put their bed out now, even though they've been told they can't do that until the plane has taken off. As these little 5 foot tall dickheads are moaning, their dickhead parents are drinking champagne and watching my 6 foot 4 inch frown as I walk through to my economy seat designed to be 'just big enough' for a garden gnome.
So my proposal is that each flight should have a lottery for the economy-class passengers. A 'Golden Boarding Pass' if you will. Just one per flight, one winner per flight should be enough for the general mood of the economy ticket holders to be raised exponentially. But how will, what is essentially, a raffle help on a 24 hour journey? You haven't heard the prize yet... and no, it's not a free upgrade.
The winner of the Golden Boarding Pass is notified when they check in. I haven't worked out how this would work with online check-in but I'll figure it out. They're notified at check-in that they've won, that should give them enough time to prepare themselves for their prize. And when they board, the Golden Boarding Pass holder is entitled to punch someone in first class in their smug little face. Just one punch, I'm not malicious.
Then, and this is the real genius of the plan, footage of the punch is available on demand throughout the flight via the in-flight entertainment system. That way, when ever someone in economy is feeling a little angry, they can turn on their 2 by 2 inch screen and watch someone they want to punch in the face getting punched in the face.
It's a perfect example of how sacrificing one could benefit the many. I am aware that in this blog I have let a young Hitler live and punched a relatively innocent and potentially lovely person in the face. That's what happens when you've been sitting in economy for this long. I'm not a bad person, I'm sometimes irrational, but I'm not bad. I just want some sleep and to be able to extend my knees. Oh, and I really really want to punch the guy who sneered at me when I walked through first class. He was about 40, wearing tan chinos and a navy polo shirt. So if you've got the Golden Boarding Pass, punch him.
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